Self pity on a bad day

 

I am tired so very tired today.

You know one of the worse things that I find about this limbless business is I never had a chance to grow old slowly, there I was a young very fit 45 year old with things just starting to fall into place you know work was going ok, socially things where ok, things at home was very good with my wife and family, I was fit I mean very fit, I would run for five miles each day without breaking into a sweat, I canoed , flew  my hand glider , rode my bike to work, hiked and run for miles   and could keep going all day and night without getting out of breath , nothing was to much trouble or to much effort for me.

 I know that we all start to slow down as we get older and start to take things easy but for me I feel robbed I aged over night , not just a little bit but life changing old in an blink of an eye , I mean super fit to useless  just like that I have tried so hard to recapture the lost energy and youthful enthusiasm  but even the most simple of tasks take so much effort , sometimes I often wonder is it worth the constant struggle just to keep at the pathetic  level of fitness that I now have  or do I keep on with the struggle knowing that I will never regain the time back and all I am doing is delaying the inevitable  slid into uselessness .

What to do?

Give up?

Accept that the best I can do is fight just one more day and we will see what tomorrow brings?

Push my limits a bit further tomorrow, I would like to I really would but I am so tired, bone weary tiered, you know the tiredness that no amount of sleep will cure.

Is the answer all in my mind in acceptance? And will that bring some sort of peace for me.

What is the answer? What is the question? All I do is go round and round in circles in my mind.

I think part of my problem is I can’t forgive myself; I go over the events time after time in my head reliving my accident, surly there must have been something that I could have done to prevent it……………………….No answer there I let myself, wife and family down and every one has to suffer because of it .who is going to look after yvonne when I am old and totally useless? It should have been me.

We should have grown old together, now I am old and Yvonne has to wait for me, that’s not right why should she have to suffer

Somehow I have got to break this circle but I don’t have the mental or physical strength to do it.

PHEW!!!!!!Thank god I don’t get many days like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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