ONE YEAR GONE & TIME TO REFLECT

 

So that’s it the year 2005 my first year done and dusted as an above knee amputee , not all good but certainly  not all bad news either I suppose I could say its been a bit of a mixed bag …………..where to start

Emotionally I have been all over the place, even spending quite a bit of time on another far away make believe word, but ……. I think that I am getting better or I seem to feel that I am getting better the trouble was / is I cant tell anyone how badly I feel / felt , and every time I think about brining the subject up I get the feeling that “no one wants  to listen to someone whinging on” so why bother and if the truth is known every one has some sort of baggage that they carry around with them , I think the secret is to try to make the baggage as “light” as possible until it either gone or no longer a problem  something to work on I think  after all its just a leg I have lost .

Joining an online forum for amputee’s has been a huge help / relief in the fact that they have all been there, done that and got the t shirt and it has let me know load and clear that I am not the only one and the problems that I have been facing / struggling with they have all had at one time or another and freely offer there support and advice along with a big dollop of humour which makes me feel better.

There is a plus side of this new found emotional rollercoaster ride I was on, I had started to see and feel things much more clearly admittedly small things to start with but as time went on things and stuff seemed so much brighter or clearer, may be it was because I started to realise that my accident could have been so much worse and I am starting to look forward rather than backwards or a bit like:-

What if ………………instead of if only.

But what ever the reason , little things now catch  my eye , the colours seem much more brighter and vibrant , bird songs much more cheerful I would often find myself just looking at nature at its best and try to take it all in and store it away in my brain for another day , I even started to relax when I was out in the hills despite still being unsteady on my feet and somehow I knew that the hills wanted me there ……….yes totally daft I know but I “felt” that this was the place to come and be healed , I even started to thank them after a good day (I know talking to the hills isn’t exactly normal but there you go) and on arriving and parking up first thing I would always wish them good morning and let them know what my planes are  for the day  now the real scary thing is in my mind they reply to me as well.

 Even the weather doesn’t seem to bother me any more; yes I love the bright dry weather but so what if it rains! In fact I seem to come alive more when the bad weather closes in ….the worse the weather the more alive I seem to become , my senses seem to go into overdrive how long this continues for I don’t know , I guess it’s a case of watch this space and see.

Physically it’s been a very hard year for me; just before my accident I was really fit and healthy possibly the fittest I have ever been even fitter than my time spent in the forces …but now it’s a totally different story, for most of the last year I have been so bone weary tired most of the time with little strength and at times its been hard struggle just getting through the days with out even trying to do anything however over the last few months I have noticed a definite improvement in my strength.

O course it’s all been a huge learning curve, something I was totally unprepared for (who is?) and I have to ask myself how well I handled it ….not very well at times but I’m certainly not going to beat myself up about it anymore I have spent far too much time feeling” poor me”

So what have I learnt that I will take forward into the next year? little things like Creams &plasters will always be readily at hand now, when ever possible try to walk up or down a hill in a clockwise direction so my good leg is slightly higher than my arty leg that way it makes things that little bit easer in fact I have made a list of my golden rules as I call them see:-

http://www.onefootinnorthumberland.co.uk/A_bit_of_every_thing_mainly_rants_and_moans_and_my_golden_rules_.htm

But mostly it’s  that I have to think about every thing before I take that first step something I’m not use to doing , in fact when you get down to the nitty gritty of this this limbless business it all starts  in he mind , get that sorted and your well on your way …………I think . The only other bit of good news is my memory flashbacks seem to be getting fewer, does that mean that I have remembered everything I forgot? ……………I don’t know and that’s the beauty of it ……I don’t know (note from ten years later) no!! over the years I still see things that trigger long forgotten memories , most of the time they are quite emotional for whatever reason and I find it best to just stand or sit still and let them run there course before I even attempt to “move on” ………………..the mind it seems is a funny thing with lots going on .

What’s the future hold? Read this blog and see.

 

 ABOUT ME                        WALKS05

 

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